This can be a sign you find it incredibly uncomfortable to be alone, with no distractions. Sadly, we live in a smartphone-dominated world where all the apps are designed to keep us hooked. They want us to come back for that sweet taste of dopamine. That’s not the whole picture, though – deeper processes are at play behind the aches and pains of being by oneself.
Being in solitude presents a big risk for those who simply have not been used to facing their own internal world. To take notice of internal turmoil, anger, guilt, or moral failures can easily provoke afflictions so powerful, so throbbing, that one would be willing to engage in anything to make it stop. The strategies can be as benign as calling a parent, to as destructive as substance abuse. They all serve the same purpose: distracting us from how buffeted we feel.
The bad news is those distractions are rubber bands that snap quickly. When that happens, we can try to push harder and ramp up the distraction intensity level, or we collapse into depressive symptoms. The bands will inevitably snap until the skill of facing the internal pandemonium is mastered.
At the same time, acknowledging the internal mayhem entails great responsibility and autonomy that is perceived as being painful by many people. If you are responsible, you might make a wrong call. And that’s on you, no one else – that is an agonising feeling. Think about it: how many people have you met who relish staring their deepest failures in the eye?
Because acknowledgement becomes too distressing, it’s easier to stay numb and in a self-victimisation position. Here’s where it’s very useful to note that some people have been genuine victims of negative experiences. Self-victimisation, on the other hand, represents the unconscious act of subjugating oneself to a streak of distractions, which could take myriad forms: shopping, cleaning, serving others, social media, eating, going out, working out – and the list goes on. Of course, some of these distractions are more useful than others. The crux of the matter is the purpose of undertaking these activities. When someone’s captive to distractions for fear of being alone, there is a clear “culprit”: busyness.
I wish I could say there’s an easy way out of it, but life hasn’t been designed that way. Becoming comfortable with solitude and self-reflection is a strenuous and dire task. But as with most difficult things, the results are worth it. It’s very similar to going to the gym, as your endurance increases as you keep pushing. Here are some useful things I learned as I was learning to become comfortable with being in solitude, and from working with clients.
You will have to do things even if you don't feel like it
Of course, it’s easier to give in to the distraction and channel the energy there. And surely it feels awful to put that away and engage with something more productive. There’s no shortcut to this: willpower must be exercised. Human beings can endure so much more than what this present therapy culture claims. Going against the practised pattern means doing unpleasant things.
Learn how to be simultaneously inwardly & outwardly focused
This might be a tricky balance to strike because it can be very unique to each individual. In order to experience the gamut of feelings that come with facing self-reflection, one must be tuned in to oneself and focused on one’s inner world. The Internet is bursting with how to be focused on internal feelings and that started from a genuinely well-intended place. However, that has turned into self-obsession. We are being told that our internal hurt is all that matters and we should dwell on it incessantly. I have yet to meet someone engaged in that and who experiences constant content. This is where outward focus comes in. The sooner we understand the world is larger than our feelings, the quicker we can build resilience. Sure, we might feel anxiety, fear, anger, and sadness and it’s useful to be able to acknowledge that. The next step is to understand that willpower can overcome it. Then look around, and engage in a productive activity.
Don't sabotage the only life you've been given
With the risk of coming across as spreading platitudes, this is so crucial to living life more fully. Ask any random person on the street and they’ll agree: we only live once, and we should live well. But do we feel it in our core? Do we take it any further than intellectual assent? If we do, the stakes change. We are more motivated to make our lives count. And the prospect of spending life either conquered by shallow distractions or rolling around in self-centred feelings becomes unpalatable. Time becomes more precious. The ability to be alone is the first step towards a more meaningful life surrounded by loved ones.
If you are interested in finding out more, or you’d like to explore how to face the dread, get in touch.